Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
