Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
