Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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