There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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