I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i barfeds in our rink
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
