He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
