Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
