last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
