You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
