Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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