'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
