In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
