yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Just invented taco cereal.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
