he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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