and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
