I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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