My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize