Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize