I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
