I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
