I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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