I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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