I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
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