this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
