oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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