I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
