I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
