Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
