Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
