Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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