I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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