Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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