Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
