I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
