Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
