I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize