Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
