You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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