I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
