no, he came in my armpit
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
