You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize