I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
