bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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