Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
