This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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