I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
