my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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