I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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