I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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