Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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