Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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