I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
