I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize