My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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