I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Randomize
