nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
