I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
