i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
