she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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