You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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