So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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