wanna go halves on a baby?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
