omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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